Scranton's "Ivory-White Goddess" Acquitted!
In a not-so-unbelievable turn of events last Friday, "Ms. Jones" of San Diego, CA was exonerated of all charges brought against her by one W.P. Scranton.
According to reports, Friday's local courtroom case, Scranton v. Jones, digressed into what one person colorfully termed "a dadgum circus!", and what others labeled as, "lacking all decency and normal human behavior." Mr. Scranton was unavailable for comment, but was unmistakably heard screaming various obscenities and uttering unfathomable oaths as he was handcuffed and taken away in contempt of court.
"From the very outset, Mr. Scranton began revealing the interminableness of his eccentricities." reported Mr. Harrison, lawyer of Ms. Jones. After an exciting, and extremely full, hour of testimonies, the judge quickly called for a recess, but then, to everyone's (especially Mr. Scranton's) amazement, turned to the jury, and asked them if they needed any time to deliberate. The jury swiftly responded that they did not, and promptly declared Ms. Jones "very not guilty." Mr. Scranton was said to have been holding great tufts of hair (that of his own) in his hands and looking on in horror, as the spokesman called out the verdict.
It was at this point, according to many eye-witnesses, that Mr. Scranton lost all of his marbles. Reports vary as to exactly what he began to do, but one juror described it as "a dramatization of a farmer at his threshing floor. Don't ask me," he said, "but, from what he was saying, he must have been using that broom (and where he got the broom God only knows) as a fork to separate the chaff from the wheat." One lawyer who witnessed the scene had this to say of Mr. Scranton during his tirade: "He kept bemoaning the loss of Beauty--something about its innocence and purity...I don't know. Its difficult to say whether any of his words or actions had any sort of logical coherency, but one thing is for certain, he was certain, and full, of himself."
If not historic, Scranton v. Jones will definitely go down in the books as nothing short of hilarious.
-Shanghai Weekly
According to reports, Friday's local courtroom case, Scranton v. Jones, digressed into what one person colorfully termed "a dadgum circus!", and what others labeled as, "lacking all decency and normal human behavior." Mr. Scranton was unavailable for comment, but was unmistakably heard screaming various obscenities and uttering unfathomable oaths as he was handcuffed and taken away in contempt of court.
"From the very outset, Mr. Scranton began revealing the interminableness of his eccentricities." reported Mr. Harrison, lawyer of Ms. Jones. After an exciting, and extremely full, hour of testimonies, the judge quickly called for a recess, but then, to everyone's (especially Mr. Scranton's) amazement, turned to the jury, and asked them if they needed any time to deliberate. The jury swiftly responded that they did not, and promptly declared Ms. Jones "very not guilty." Mr. Scranton was said to have been holding great tufts of hair (that of his own) in his hands and looking on in horror, as the spokesman called out the verdict.
It was at this point, according to many eye-witnesses, that Mr. Scranton lost all of his marbles. Reports vary as to exactly what he began to do, but one juror described it as "a dramatization of a farmer at his threshing floor. Don't ask me," he said, "but, from what he was saying, he must have been using that broom (and where he got the broom God only knows) as a fork to separate the chaff from the wheat." One lawyer who witnessed the scene had this to say of Mr. Scranton during his tirade: "He kept bemoaning the loss of Beauty--something about its innocence and purity...I don't know. Its difficult to say whether any of his words or actions had any sort of logical coherency, but one thing is for certain, he was certain, and full, of himself."
If not historic, Scranton v. Jones will definitely go down in the books as nothing short of hilarious.
-Shanghai Weekly
posted by Prague at 6:31 AM
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